Monday, December 23, 2013

Rambles from the Deep


This is what comes out of me in an hour. I can feel the blockage, and now the leak... soon to be flood of ideas, information, misinformation even, feelings, thoughts, remembrances and wishes... puked onto a blog in hopes that something hits for someone, somewhere at sometime.

Gotta figure, my experiences and insights may lead others to other insight upon conscious crystallization to blog.

All day, I have been feeling that some wave of crystallization (a word I picked up from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Racing by Robert M. Pirsig) is going to hit me and leave me temporarily dazed from the clarity. I remember from some spiritual text I've browsed that a longing for this sort of state is injecting desirous energy into the mix which is never a good thing and this loses my train of thought for a while.

In the Seattle Public Library downtown today, sitting on the 10th floor in a red lawn-chair/beach-seat/throne-type chair, I meditated on the idea that everything I see, hear, think, process, is going to be a past interpretation of what is actually happening now, and that what is REAL, that is, in the same way, not an interpretation, has a strange aspect of being unknowable due to this time it takes to process through your senses.

Now that... is a sentence.

To put it more simply: actuality, reality, here and "the NOW", God, Om, is DIRECTLY known.

It just occurred to me to look at my doubt, and ask "why do I doubt myself?" Upon inspection, there was no reason, and so it only made sense to SEE without the doubt. What remained was how I saw before, only a weight lifted off the back side, an opening of the minds eye which extended into my own vision. The world didn't change. The kid standing across the street staring off into the distance is still standing across the street staring into the distance as I type this.

Why doubt yourself? Why even doubt other people without repeated acts of distrust? Doubt just clogs up the mental space, the available RAM, if you will, of the brain, with dysfunction and leaves one with a dim perception of it all.

Random ramblings... going nowhere... lets pick a topic now that I've dumped for a bit and see what happens.


What the Buddha Saw-
It seems to me that, in this day-and-age of TV and YouTube and corporate-owned everything, I have been swept into a mindless abyss of mental chatter, almost all of which do not belong to me. Who are these ghosts? These remembrances of fragments of verses of songs which clutter my brain during my waking hours? Why do they torment me? Like an addict, I give myself to these impulses of thought, these expressions of another's life, which take away from my own. No doubt due to my love for music, new and catchy hip-hop beats, hooks, rhymes dominate my mind. Over and over, day in and day out. The trick is, when I catch myself. What happens then? The moment I say to myself, "Hey, you've been quoting Drakes new verse for the last 72 hours, what's up?" There's a silence, an openness which can last for precious seconds. No thoughts come to mind during this period of Grace, only complete beauty and stillness. Then my ego-dominated thoughts come back and thoughts of how I can turn my spiritual endeavors into monetary conquests and then complete chaos and confusion kicks in. Impulsive thoughts and behaviors spring up that cause me to express myself in ways I don't mean around others. This paranoia is exacerbated by smoking marijuana, yet I have learned to see this paranoia as nothing other than the amplification of something that is already there, making it disproportionally big... scary for some yet perfect for those inquisitive enough to face their fear. Due to years of conditioning myself that what I say isn't worthy, I have shut myself in a tight space unable to feel and constricted by fear. This is obviously completely made up, and could be corrected by realizing again, that this fear has nothing behind it, which it now is, yet I know that this conditioning will continue from its sewing into the fabric of my being and need constant conscious undoing.

Eventually, so I've heard and read in many different places from different people at different times on different accounts, this undoing, or unraveling of this consciousness-structure, this mind this way of seeing this way of thinking this way of being this way of living... eventually completely falls out...


 and THAT is what the Buddha saw.



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